. . . is Hard to Do

I’m in a fog. And the Venti Mocha isn’t helping.

I think my band is breaking up. For real, this time. Which, y’know, shouldn’t be that traumatic for a 35-year-old with a wife and child. But how about a 35-year-old who’s spent 14 of the past 18 years playing music in bands?

It’s funny that I’ve been playing guitar for over 20 years, and I think a one-armed Down’s kid could play at my level in a month. Starting from scratch. But I love it. Fine, so I wasn’t the most proficient, or committed to keeping my equipment in tip-top shape (considering my equipment in “tip-top shape” would be patently average says a lot about my adherence to Utilitarianism). I was able to step outside myself a few times a week and do something creative. Really getting lost in it. Seriously, imagine listening to really great, moving music . . . and then taking it a step further, where you’re actually a part of it.

Anyway, months of miscommunication (and non-communication) rumbled Monday evening into a relative explosion of obscenities and accusations. Strangely, I was merely a spectator. Even more strangely, we went on to have a semi-productive practice. The next morning, we got the inevitable email that someone was quitting. Or “finished.”

The last time this happened (a couple years ago with the previous incarnation of our band), the quitter had become an emotional (and functional) drag on our progress and was not really contributing. We used his departure to resvitalize the band. His replacement was the catalyst that helped push our songwriting to a new level. Unfortunately, he’s the one who’s leaving this time. I don’t think we have another “do-over” in us, at this point. Plus, everyone else is involved with side-projects that will undoubtedly become MAIN projects.

Besides being down to NO projects, I don’t know where we (read: I) go from here. Writing is, of course, an option. I keep thinking about it. And thinking about planning to perhaps set up time to maybe write on a semi-regular basis. Not to mention the “novel” that I’ve been harping on for months now. The music thing was so automatic, and everything else just seems like such WORK.

God FUCK.